atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
either way he was missing a nipple.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
jump out the window naked night went bad
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
