Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
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