Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
