ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize