So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
