i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
