I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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