Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Randomize
