i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
