My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
