Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
