At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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