i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
