This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
