mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
