i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
