my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
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