I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Randomize