Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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