Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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