I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
