I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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