She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
What drink are we having for lunch?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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