If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
