The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
