I think I died a long time ago.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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