Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I just forgot I was standing up.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
