i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
