mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
