Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
