mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
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