I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
