i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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