Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
