I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
