I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
