just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize