butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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