I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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