yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
you had me at cake vodka
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize