the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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