She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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