Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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