she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
You're like the curious george of whores
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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