If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
