Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
