Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
how does that bad decision feel?
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