U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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