What a fucking waste of an outfit
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
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