So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize
