I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
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