Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I'm like, not good at living.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
