your parents love me but you hate me
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
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