So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
