If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
