last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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