can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Randomize
