My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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