I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Randomize
