wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize