Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
