Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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