you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
