Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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