apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
