I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
